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No Top Chef Philly Because We're Broke; Missed-Out Quickfire Opportunities

Not on your life. We're too poor.
Not on your life. We're too poor.
Photo: BravoTV

The hard work of Eater Seattle has unearthed details that point to Seattle being the next location for Top Chef Season 10. It adds up, if you think about how recently Top Chef handled choosing Texas, which is hardly at the forefront of culinary excellence. If you haven't followed along, the tourist board of Texas paid out almost $600,000 to Magical Elves (Top Chef's production company), to shoot the current season in three different cities in Texas. Oh, and the taxpayers shelled out most of that coin.

Deal with it. We're broke, and we probably won't get the chance to stalk Padma Lakshmi, or hold down Tom Colicchio and shave off that ridiculous soul patch. Although, his recent excessive curmudgeonly behavior would fit right in with us.

Where previously Top Chef mostly picked locations that had great culinary history or an up-and-coming profile, it appears that is no longer the case. They've lowered themselves to late season challenges including Pee Wee Herman and his refined palate. Eater Philly called Magical Elves for comment on the selection process and were told, "we have only just decided to cast for the show, so we're not even thinking about that part of it yet." That conflicts with reports that negoitations are already happening in the Great Northwest.

Stuff that would definitely happen on Top Chef Philly that we're all missing out on:

·The fat cheftestant(s) would need to be rushed to the hospital because one of the elimination challenges would require everyone to run to the top of the Rocky Steps and make a cheesesteak on a hibachi.

·The quickfire challenge in the Italian Market would end with the angry contestant shoving someone into the flaming barrels for the last clutch of ramps.

·During the inevitable Stephen Starr challenge, the restaurateur would poach the winning chef of his challenge, forcing them to leave set immediately and work at a new concept opening in three months.

·The Team Jen Carroll and Kevin Sbraga challenge, where both former cheftestants have to draft squads for a catering gig. Carroll would fire everyone on the line for being "goddamn incompetent," and Sbraga would live tweet about how far Top Chef has fallen.

·A whole animal butchering challenge featuring Marc Vetri, where he breaks down an entire cow in 4 minutes, drops the knife and walks out the door.

·Acknowledging our massively influential LGBT community, Top Chef takes a leap and has the cheftestants cater our famous Gay Bingo, complete with rollerskating trannies. They specifically cast chefs from the Bible Belt to make this more entertaining.

·The Pat's and Geno's Challenge would force the cheftestants to cook their own version of a cheesesteak, and encourage passersby to eat their version instead of purchasing one. Most of the episode ends up on the editing room floor for excessive violence and obscenities, ending in two more trips to the ER for the cooks.

· Three more cheesesteak and soft pretzel-related challenges.

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