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Dirty Frank's: a windowless Philly classic.
Dirty Frank's: a windowless Philly classic.
Photo: Dirty Frank's/Facebook

An Incomprehensive Anti-Beer-Garden Guide to Philly

by Carly Szkaradnik
4 comments / new
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Dirty Frank's: a windowless Philly classic.
| Photo: Dirty Frank's/Facebook
by Carly Szkaradnik
4 comments / new

It's common knowledge by now that Philly has gone completely nuts for beer gardens. They've been completely dominating the conversation this summer: They've popped up on just about every corner, their legal standing has been brought into question, we've been asked to sign petitions to save them, we've been asked to shut up about them, we've been assured they're probably safe for the moment, at least. And plenty of you have been following all of this intently, presumably in between sun-drenched sips of shandy.

But others of you do not care. Some of you have never cared and will never care. So to ensure there is something on this site for you, here are 15 bars where you can just drink while mostly avoiding the sun and entirely avoiding the peer pressure to join in endless rounds of cornhole.

These are just a start: 15 great places that come to mind when we think of the opposite of sunshine, fresh air, elaborately landscaped vistas, and diversionary amusements. OK, they're mostly dive bars, which is what happens when you give preference to places with scant or no windows and then give bonus points if patrons still smoke inside. That said, we intentionally left off a ton of dank, windowless haunts that don't open until the evening, because it's pretty easy to avoid the sun at night.

Got another favorite place you think fits in? Nominate it in the comments, via the tipline, or tell us on Twitter or Facebook. We'll add to the map whichever nominees we see fit to add, based entirely on our own whims and finicky, hard-to-pin-down definitions.

· All Eater Guides [-EPHI-]

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Oscar's Tavern

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Oscar's has a surprisingly large food menu, but we have seen it so rarely - and have had our time with it so tightly restricted by our server when we have seen it - that we suspect they may only have one copy.
1524 Sansom St, Philadelphia, PA 19103
(215) 972-9938
(215) 972-9938

Also featured in:

McGlinchey's

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Just watch out if there are any big bar crawls making their way around Center City, because for some reason they always seem to stop here and never seem to have it in them to properly appreciate it.
259 S 15th St, Philadelphia, PA 19102
(215) 735-1259
(215) 735-1259

Dirty Frank's

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Dirty Frank's needs no introduction. Bring cash. (In fact, bring cash to most of these places.)
347 S 13th St, Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 732-5010
(215) 732-5010

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12 Steps Down

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Although often a little brightly lit for our liking (like, basement rec room rather than basement dungeon?), you're drinking in a basement and you're leaving reeking of smoke whether you partake or not. Done.
831 Christian St, Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 238-0379
(215) 238-0379

The Dive Bar

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Can a dive bar be a dive bar if it calls itself The Dive Bar? Seems that way.
947 E Passyunk Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 465-5505
(215) 465-5505

Bob & Barbara's Cocktail Lounge

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This is the place credited with the creation of the Citywide, so.
1509 South St, Philadelphia, PA 19146
(215) 545-4511
(215) 545-4511

Also featured in:

Doobie's

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Not really a dive, but a solid (and solidly dim) neighborhood bar — and if you must do something else while you drink, there are board games.
2201 Lombard St, Philadelphia, PA 19146
(215) 546-0316
(215) 546-0316

The Locust Bar

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We (and probably you) have been coming here so long it formed our platonic ideal of bars.
235 S 10th St, Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 925-2191
(215) 925-2191

Locust Rendezvous

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Not to be confused with the entry right above this, the 'Vous is just as crucial. (It also bears the distinction of being categorized on Yelp under both "Dive Bars" and "Salad.")
1415 Locust St, Philadelphia, PA 19102
(215) 985-1163
(215) 985-1163

Ray's Happy Birthday Bar

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Ray's is one of the more divisive of these spots, but you are guaranteed to get a free shot on your birthday and learn about a couple random celebrity birthdays and get into some interesting conversations, so we're not sure what anyone else finds to hate here.
1200 E Passyunk Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 365-1169
(215) 365-1169

Friendly Lounge

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If nothing else, this is where you camp out when you're waiting for Center City Pretzel to open.
1039 S 8th St, Philadelphia, PA 19147

Nick's Old Original Roast Beef

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Is Nick's a dive bar where you eat gravy fries and roast beef sandwiches, or a sandwich shop where you hole up and drink beer? Why are you so hung up on defining things?
2149 S 20th St, Philadelphia, PA 19145
(215) 463-4114
(215) 463-4114

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Krupa's Tavern

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We do not have a picture of Krupa's. Does anyone have a picture of Krupa's? It's not windowless, exactly, but there are curtains. Watch sports with your neighbors.
2701 Brown St, Philadelphia, PA 19130
(215) 765-7769
(215) 765-7769

Bonnie's Capistrano

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It's friendly and smoky and there's a vending machine.
1503 S 13th St, Philadelphia, PA 19147

Les & Doreen's Happy Tap

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You haven't strayed far from the Johnny Brenda's universe, but you can start drinking so many hours earlier!
1301 E Susquehanna Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19125

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Oscar's Tavern

1524 Sansom St, Philadelphia, PA 19103
Oscar's has a surprisingly large food menu, but we have seen it so rarely - and have had our time with it so tightly restricted by our server when we have seen it - that we suspect they may only have one copy.
1524 Sansom St, Philadelphia, PA 19103
(215) 972-9938
(215) 972-9938

McGlinchey's

259 S 15th St, Philadelphia, PA 19102
Just watch out if there are any big bar crawls making their way around Center City, because for some reason they always seem to stop here and never seem to have it in them to properly appreciate it.
259 S 15th St, Philadelphia, PA 19102
(215) 735-1259
(215) 735-1259

Dirty Frank's

347 S 13th St, Philadelphia, PA 19107
Dirty Frank's needs no introduction. Bring cash. (In fact, bring cash to most of these places.)
347 S 13th St, Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 732-5010
(215) 732-5010

12 Steps Down

831 Christian St, Philadelphia, PA 19147
Although often a little brightly lit for our liking (like, basement rec room rather than basement dungeon?), you're drinking in a basement and you're leaving reeking of smoke whether you partake or not. Done.
831 Christian St, Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 238-0379
(215) 238-0379

The Dive Bar

947 E Passyunk Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19147
Can a dive bar be a dive bar if it calls itself The Dive Bar? Seems that way.
947 E Passyunk Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 465-5505
(215) 465-5505

Bob & Barbara's Cocktail Lounge

1509 South St, Philadelphia, PA 19146
This is the place credited with the creation of the Citywide, so.
1509 South St, Philadelphia, PA 19146
(215) 545-4511
(215) 545-4511

Doobie's

2201 Lombard St, Philadelphia, PA 19146
Not really a dive, but a solid (and solidly dim) neighborhood bar — and if you must do something else while you drink, there are board games.
2201 Lombard St, Philadelphia, PA 19146
(215) 546-0316
(215) 546-0316

The Locust Bar

235 S 10th St, Philadelphia, PA 19107
We (and probably you) have been coming here so long it formed our platonic ideal of bars.
235 S 10th St, Philadelphia, PA 19107
(215) 925-2191
(215) 925-2191

Locust Rendezvous

1415 Locust St, Philadelphia, PA 19102
Not to be confused with the entry right above this, the 'Vous is just as crucial. (It also bears the distinction of being categorized on Yelp under both "Dive Bars" and "Salad.")
1415 Locust St, Philadelphia, PA 19102
(215) 985-1163
(215) 985-1163

Ray's Happy Birthday Bar

1200 E Passyunk Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19147
Ray's is one of the more divisive of these spots, but you are guaranteed to get a free shot on your birthday and learn about a couple random celebrity birthdays and get into some interesting conversations, so we're not sure what anyone else finds to hate here.
1200 E Passyunk Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19147
(215) 365-1169
(215) 365-1169

Friendly Lounge

1039 S 8th St, Philadelphia, PA 19147
If nothing else, this is where you camp out when you're waiting for Center City Pretzel to open.
1039 S 8th St, Philadelphia, PA 19147

Nick's Old Original Roast Beef

2149 S 20th St, Philadelphia, PA 19145
Is Nick's a dive bar where you eat gravy fries and roast beef sandwiches, or a sandwich shop where you hole up and drink beer? Why are you so hung up on defining things?
2149 S 20th St, Philadelphia, PA 19145
(215) 463-4114
(215) 463-4114

Krupa's Tavern

2701 Brown St, Philadelphia, PA 19130
We do not have a picture of Krupa's. Does anyone have a picture of Krupa's? It's not windowless, exactly, but there are curtains. Watch sports with your neighbors.
2701 Brown St, Philadelphia, PA 19130
(215) 765-7769
(215) 765-7769

Bonnie's Capistrano

1503 S 13th St, Philadelphia, PA 19147
It's friendly and smoky and there's a vending machine.
1503 S 13th St, Philadelphia, PA 19147

Les & Doreen's Happy Tap

1301 E Susquehanna Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19125
You haven't strayed far from the Johnny Brenda's universe, but you can start drinking so many hours earlier!
1301 E Susquehanna Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19125

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